*Someone offers me a piece of chicken*
Me: "Oh no thanks. I don't eat meat."
A lot of people hate vegetarians because we apparently always bring up the subject. Well, that's not necessarily our fault. We are a misunderstood breed of people, wrongfully mixed up with PETA members and vegans. After telling someone that I am a vegetarian, these are the top 10 most uncomfortable responses I have ever gotten:
#10: The eye roll.
What I'm thinking: This is uncomfortable to me because I know that this person is judging me. They think I'm weird because I don't share their weird bacon fetish. They also might think that I was dropped on my head as a young child. This may be true, but hey, don't blame me for that!
What I say: "Haha... yeah. Bye."
#9: The vegan mix-up.
It usually goes something like, "Oh. Well that cake has egg in it."
What I'm thinking: Excuse me? Yes. I know. I've made cake before, shit-for-brains. I am perfectly fine with eating eggs and dairy products if it is in something. I'd prefer it if people just didn't say anything and I could continue on my way without someone thinking I'm an idiot.
What I say: "Oh no. That's vegan. I eat dairy products. Without cheese I would die!"
#8: Chicken isn't meat!
What I'm thinking: What are you, retarded? My definition of "meat" is any creature that has/had a central nervous system and/or a skeletal system. Also, their cells do not have cell walls. Chickens have central nervous systems and functioning skeletons. Their cells also do not have cell walls. Therefore, chicken is meat. So is fish. Don't try to convince me that fish are not animals.
What I say: "Yes it is. And even if it wasn't, I wouldn't eat it."
#7: Some sort of sexual remark that is a failed attempt at wit.
You get the picture.
What I say: *uncomfortable laughter. Walk away....*
#6: "Why?"
What I'm thinking: Do I need a reason? Why don't I just ask why you DO eat meat? Most people just say "It tastes good." Well, in my opinion, meat tastes bad. And it is bad for you. Thanks to the fact that I haven't eaten red meat in 5 years, I have a reduced risk of colon cancer, and therefore, I won't be bleeding from my ass at the age of 60. Sorry for the mental image, but I think it is necessary.
What I say: "Because I don't like meat. It grosses me out."
#5: "Oh so do you eat tofu?"
What I'm thinking: If you ask a vegetarian this question, be prepared for an eye roll. Have you ever tried tofu? I once did because I was concerned with my protein intake. I am never eating that nasty soy crap again. It is lumpy, flavorless, and it has the texture of rubber. Peanut butter is probably the only reason why I am still alive right now.
What I say: "No. Just... no."
#4: "Are you a member of PETA?"
What I want to say: "Don't get me wrong. I support animal rights. However, I disagree with how they go about doing that. I think that it is wrong to dump buckets of paint on a person's fur coat. I don't like that people wear fur (A friend of mine got a rabbit fur hat and I didn't talk to him for a week because I was mad at him), but you can't make them not wear fur. Also, I'm kind of an animal biology major, so I have to do dissections a lot in order to learn more about how to help animals. What I'm saying is that you have to make sacrifices in order to gain the knowledge to help more animals. I believe in what I believe. I'd prefer not to have someone else tell me what to believe. That is one reason why I don't belong to any sort of church."
What I say: "Umm... no. I'm not a vegetarian just because of animal rights. I do it for my own benefit."
#3: "Dumbass. You need protein to live."
What I want to say: "Yeah I know that. As you probably know, I'm a biology major. But did you know that I can get protein, vitamin E, magnesium, folate, zinc, and fiber from peanut butter? (These can help reduce heart disease and diabetes.) Also the fat is unsaturated, which is the good kind. So I am getting protein and saving myself from dying early. Dumbass."
What I say: "I get protein from the people soup I make. See, people aren't animals, so I'm a cannibal. Want to come over for dinner?" *Big smile*
#2: "Oh I don't think I would be able to do that. It sounds difficult."
What I want to say: "I don't actually give a flying fuck whether or not you think you could be a vegetarian. Now give me my goddamn peas and carrots and let's move on with our lives."
What I usually say: "It isn't. I used to love meat. Steak was my favorite food ever, but I gave that up like 5 years ago and haven't looked back."
#1 needs a little background story: I was at my cousin's house for my brother's birthday party. My cousin's very Republican grandmother approached me after her little rant about how "Obama is ruining our country" and how the US should "lighten up on the gun laws." I managed to bite my tongue and be a good girl like my mom had warned me to do. My cousin's grandma approached me next. "Ooh Honey, you're so skinny! Here! Have a piece of chicken!" I knew what she would say about my vegetarianism, so I just said, "Oh, no thanks! I'm really not hungry." Of course my stomach growled audibly at that point, and my cousin, Matt started laughing. I gave him a death glare, and he immediately stopped. Earlier that day I had pissed him off by dumping a full can of Coke on his head (He had thrown a cup of Coke at me first, but missed, so I had to trump him!), and I knew he wanted revenge. Little did I know that he would stoop so low as to say, "Grandma, Katie is a vegetarian. She doesn't eat meat."
The entire world darkened around me, then turned bright red with my fury. I was horrified. He saw my horror and then ran from the kitchen just as his grandmother screeched, "WHHHAAAAAAT?!??"
That leads us to #1: "THAT JUST ISN'T NATURAL, YOUNG LADY. YOUR 'VEGETARIANISM' IS OUT OF CONTROL AND AGAINST GOD'S WISHES. NOW EAT THIS CHICKEN OR YOU'LL BURN IN HELL."
My cousin's grandma started lecturing me about how it was against God's will to be a vegetarian, and that we are on the top of the food chain for a reason. I guess it was a bad idea to tell her that I'm an Atheist because she started yelling at me for that, too. She also told me that she thinks I'm too skinny and that vegetarianism is the gateway to anorexia. This lecture lasted almost a half an hour and ended with my grandma dragging me away from my cousin's grandma.
What I wanted to say during the lecture: "Shut up! You can't tell me what I can and can't eat! Now let me out of this kitchen before I break your hip!"
In reality, I didn't say anything or lose my temper. I sat quietly and civilly at the table and let her lecture me because I know that I am better than that. However, when my grandma walked into that argument and pulled me away, I started shaking and crying from anger. My grandma told me that she was fine with my decision and that she loves me and supports me no matter what. She then told me that I'm beautiful and since then she has always made vegetarian food for me whenever we have a family get-together. My cousin's grandma has never mentioned the incident again, and acts like it never happened. However, once in a while, while I'm eating my salad, I can feel her disapproving eyes boring into my back and I kick the shit out of Matt's shins under the table.
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