10 Reasons why Nutella is Better Than Babies

I'm not going to lie. Babies are pretty cool. They're cute, they're pretty chill, and I like that they can't talk, so they can't say anything stupid... yet. However, Nutella is probably the most amazing substance in the world. It outranks everything: cars, most animals (besides the sea cucumber), and even Ranch dressing. In fact, Nutella is even more awesome than infants. Here is why:

#10: Nutella smells amazing. It smells like chocolate, hazelnut, and magic. What do babies smell like? Shit. You can hold a jar of Nutella for as long as you want and nothing will really happen besides the fact that you will feel the urge to go all Winnie the Pooh and crack open that bad boy and just reach your hand into that gooey deliciousness and just lick your fingers until they're raw. For some reason, every time I hold a baby, it poops in its diaper. I don't hold a lot of babies, but every time one sees me, I guess it thinks I'm a laxative. Nutella can't poop. Therefore, I like Nutella more.

#9: Do babies have chocolate with them at all times? No. Nutella does. Another point on the board for Nutella.

#8: Nutella is more portable than a baby. With a baby, you have to buy a car seat, a stroller, and one of those things that you carry them around in. Nutella doesn't require any of that stuff. You can just have it on the car seat next to you or carry it in your purse.

Or in an old milk jug. I'm not one to judge.

Can you carry a baby around in the palm of your hand without looking like a horrible person? No? Score 1 for Nutella.

#7: You can throw a jar of Nutella across the room if it irritates you. That is considered "illegal" if you do it to a baby. However, Nutella would never irritate anyone for any reason because it is just that great. Babies, on the other hand, are kind of annoying. And they wake you up in the middle of the night with their crying. Nutella physically can't cry. Another point for Nutella!

#6: Babies are curious little creatures. That is why this sort of thing can happen:

Nutella can't yank out your poorly drawn earrings.

#5: Nutella is cheap. Children are not. On average, parents spend about a million dollars on their child until the age of 18. That's a 1 and 6 zeros at the end. That does not include college, where tuition is forever increasing, and if your child wants to actually do something with their life, graduate school is a must. And guess what? An 18-year old won't be able to pay for $400,000 in education, so you'll be stuck with that bill. Have fun with that. However, Nutella costs less than $10 per jar, which lasts more than a month. Eighteen years worth of Nutella should cost around $2,160. Think about it!

#4: If something bad happens to your jar of Nutella, you can easily replace it. You also won't be charged with any crimes. Imagine you're walking home from the grocery store because you're a poor college kid and you don't have a car.... Oops! You tripped on a crack and you dropped your jar of Nutella!

There goes a week's pay.... But that's just because I'm poor.

#3: It is frowned upon for teenagers and very young adults, like myself, to have a baby, but we are praised for having Nutella. Have you ever walked by a pregnant fifteen-year old and thought, "Wow. That girl is just so inspirational." No. Most people walk by and think, "Wow. That girl's a skank. And an irresponsible one at that! And she's ruining her life!" At least... that's just me. When you walk past a teenager who is carrying a jar of Nutella, you just think, "It's amazing! He/she is purchasing something both healthy and delicious! Maybe I'll follow this trend and get myself some of that beautiful elixir of life!"

#2: Nutella is easily obtainable. Babies are not. It sounds really difficult to deliver a baby. You're in intense pain for hours and hours, and it usually has to end in surgery to get the little mutant out of you. And you have to deal with that whole pregnancy thing. I'm glad that I can just run to CVS for Nutella instead of having to wait 9 months and then having it surgically removed from my uterus. You might argue, "But you don't have to go through childbirth to obtain a baby! You can adopt!" Well, I have two rebuttals to your rebuttal, Sir! First, somebody had to go through that whole humiliating and painful process. Second, it is NOT easy to adopt a child. Do you even know how many forms you have to fill out? And then if the kid finds out he/she is adopted, they suddenly become screwed up for life! I know I would be if I found out I was adopted.... I have my suspicions.

And the #1 reason why Nutella is better than babies: Nutella tastes amazing when spread on a graham cracker. I'm not so sure about what a baby would taste like spread on anything or even just plain. I would suspect that it would taste like... cannibalism.

Babies (in theory) taste disgusting. My theory is that they're gross because they are not Nutella. I wouldn't really know what babies taste like. And I'd really rather not know.