10 Reasons why Nutella is Better Than Babies

I'm not going to lie. Babies are pretty cool. They're cute, they're pretty chill, and I like that they can't talk, so they can't say anything stupid... yet. However, Nutella is probably the most amazing substance in the world. It outranks everything: cars, most animals (besides the sea cucumber), and even Ranch dressing. In fact, Nutella is even more awesome than infants. Here is why:

#10: Nutella smells amazing. It smells like chocolate, hazelnut, and magic. What do babies smell like? Shit. You can hold a jar of Nutella for as long as you want and nothing will really happen besides the fact that you will feel the urge to go all Winnie the Pooh and crack open that bad boy and just reach your hand into that gooey deliciousness and just lick your fingers until they're raw. For some reason, every time I hold a baby, it poops in its diaper. I don't hold a lot of babies, but every time one sees me, I guess it thinks I'm a laxative. Nutella can't poop. Therefore, I like Nutella more.

#9: Do babies have chocolate with them at all times? No. Nutella does. Another point on the board for Nutella.

#8: Nutella is more portable than a baby. With a baby, you have to buy a car seat, a stroller, and one of those things that you carry them around in. Nutella doesn't require any of that stuff. You can just have it on the car seat next to you or carry it in your purse.

Or in an old milk jug. I'm not one to judge.

Can you carry a baby around in the palm of your hand without looking like a horrible person? No? Score 1 for Nutella.

#7: You can throw a jar of Nutella across the room if it irritates you. That is considered "illegal" if you do it to a baby. However, Nutella would never irritate anyone for any reason because it is just that great. Babies, on the other hand, are kind of annoying. And they wake you up in the middle of the night with their crying. Nutella physically can't cry. Another point for Nutella!

#6: Babies are curious little creatures. That is why this sort of thing can happen:

Nutella can't yank out your poorly drawn earrings.

#5: Nutella is cheap. Children are not. On average, parents spend about a million dollars on their child until the age of 18. That's a 1 and 6 zeros at the end. That does not include college, where tuition is forever increasing, and if your child wants to actually do something with their life, graduate school is a must. And guess what? An 18-year old won't be able to pay for $400,000 in education, so you'll be stuck with that bill. Have fun with that. However, Nutella costs less than $10 per jar, which lasts more than a month. Eighteen years worth of Nutella should cost around $2,160. Think about it!

#4: If something bad happens to your jar of Nutella, you can easily replace it. You also won't be charged with any crimes. Imagine you're walking home from the grocery store because you're a poor college kid and you don't have a car.... Oops! You tripped on a crack and you dropped your jar of Nutella!

There goes a week's pay.... But that's just because I'm poor.

#3: It is frowned upon for teenagers and very young adults, like myself, to have a baby, but we are praised for having Nutella. Have you ever walked by a pregnant fifteen-year old and thought, "Wow. That girl is just so inspirational." No. Most people walk by and think, "Wow. That girl's a skank. And an irresponsible one at that! And she's ruining her life!" At least... that's just me. When you walk past a teenager who is carrying a jar of Nutella, you just think, "It's amazing! He/she is purchasing something both healthy and delicious! Maybe I'll follow this trend and get myself some of that beautiful elixir of life!"

#2: Nutella is easily obtainable. Babies are not. It sounds really difficult to deliver a baby. You're in intense pain for hours and hours, and it usually has to end in surgery to get the little mutant out of you. And you have to deal with that whole pregnancy thing. I'm glad that I can just run to CVS for Nutella instead of having to wait 9 months and then having it surgically removed from my uterus. You might argue, "But you don't have to go through childbirth to obtain a baby! You can adopt!" Well, I have two rebuttals to your rebuttal, Sir! First, somebody had to go through that whole humiliating and painful process. Second, it is NOT easy to adopt a child. Do you even know how many forms you have to fill out? And then if the kid finds out he/she is adopted, they suddenly become screwed up for life! I know I would be if I found out I was adopted.... I have my suspicions.

And the #1 reason why Nutella is better than babies: Nutella tastes amazing when spread on a graham cracker. I'm not so sure about what a baby would taste like spread on anything or even just plain. I would suspect that it would taste like... cannibalism.

Babies (in theory) taste disgusting. My theory is that they're gross because they are not Nutella. I wouldn't really know what babies taste like. And I'd really rather not know.

The Top 10 Most Irritating Resposes When I Tell People I'm A Vegetarian

*Someone offers me a piece of chicken*

Me: "Oh no thanks. I don't eat meat."

A lot of people hate vegetarians because we apparently always bring up the subject. Well, that's not necessarily our fault. We are a misunderstood breed of people, wrongfully mixed up with PETA members and vegans. After telling someone that I am a vegetarian, these are the top 10 most uncomfortable responses I have ever gotten:

#10: The eye roll.

What I'm thinking: This is uncomfortable to me because I know that this person is judging me. They think I'm weird because I don't share their weird bacon fetish. They also might think that I was dropped on my head as a young child. This may be true, but hey, don't blame me for that!
What I say: "Haha... yeah. Bye."

#9: The vegan mix-up.

It usually goes something like, "Oh. Well that cake has egg in it."
What I'm thinking: Excuse me? Yes. I know. I've made cake before, shit-for-brains. I am perfectly fine with eating eggs and dairy products if it is in something. I'd prefer it if people just didn't say anything and I could continue on my way without someone thinking I'm an idiot.
What I say: "Oh no. That's vegan. I eat dairy products. Without cheese I would die!"

#8: Chicken isn't meat!

What I'm thinking: What are you, retarded? My definition of "meat" is any creature that has/had a central nervous system and/or a skeletal system. Also, their cells do not have cell walls. Chickens have central nervous systems and functioning skeletons. Their cells also do not have cell walls. Therefore, chicken is meat. So is fish. Don't try to convince me that fish are not animals.
What I say: "Yes it is. And even if it wasn't, I wouldn't eat it."

#7: Some sort of sexual remark that is a failed attempt at wit.

You get the picture.
What I say: *uncomfortable laughter. Walk away....*

#6: "Why?"

What I'm thinking: Do I need a reason? Why don't I just ask why you DO eat meat? Most people just say "It tastes good." Well, in my opinion, meat tastes bad. And it is bad for you. Thanks to the fact that I haven't eaten red meat in 5 years, I have a reduced risk of colon cancer, and therefore, I won't be bleeding from my ass at the age of 60. Sorry for the mental image, but I think it is necessary.
What I say: "Because I don't like meat. It grosses me out."

#5: "Oh so do you eat tofu?"

What I'm thinking: If you ask a vegetarian this question, be prepared for an eye roll. Have you ever tried tofu? I once did because I was concerned with my protein intake. I am never eating that nasty soy crap again. It is lumpy, flavorless, and it has the texture of rubber. Peanut butter is probably the only reason why I am still alive right now.
What I say: "No. Just... no."

#4: "Are you a member of PETA?"

What I want to say: "Don't get me wrong. I support animal rights. However, I disagree with how they go about doing that. I think that it is wrong to dump buckets of paint on a person's fur coat. I don't like that people wear fur (A friend of mine got a rabbit fur hat and I didn't talk to him for a week because I was mad at him), but you can't make them not wear fur. Also, I'm kind of an animal biology major, so I have to do dissections a lot in order to learn more about how to help animals. What I'm saying is that you have to make sacrifices in order to gain the knowledge to help more animals. I believe in what I believe. I'd prefer not to have someone else tell me what to believe. That is one reason why I don't belong to any sort of church."
What I say: "Umm... no. I'm not a vegetarian just because of animal rights. I do it for my own benefit."

#3: "Dumbass. You need protein to live."

What I want to say: "Yeah I know that. As you probably know, I'm a biology major. But did you know that I can get protein, vitamin E, magnesium, folate, zinc, and fiber from peanut butter? (These can help reduce heart disease and diabetes.) Also the fat is unsaturated, which is the good kind. So I am getting protein and saving myself from dying early. Dumbass."
What I say: "I get protein from the people soup I make. See, people aren't animals, so I'm a cannibal. Want to come over for dinner?" *Big smile*

#2: "Oh I don't think I would be able to do that. It sounds difficult."

What I want to say: "I don't actually give a flying fuck whether or not you think you could be a vegetarian. Now give me my goddamn peas and carrots and let's move on with our lives."
What I usually say: "It isn't. I used to love meat. Steak was my favorite food ever, but I gave that up like 5 years ago and haven't looked back."

#1 needs a little background story: I was at my cousin's house for my brother's birthday party. My cousin's very Republican grandmother approached me after her little rant about how "Obama is ruining our country" and how the US should "lighten up on the gun laws." I managed to bite my tongue and be a good girl like my mom had warned me to do. My cousin's grandma approached me next. "Ooh Honey, you're so skinny! Here! Have a piece of chicken!" I knew what she would say about my vegetarianism, so I just said, "Oh, no thanks! I'm really not hungry." Of course my stomach growled audibly at that point, and my cousin, Matt started laughing. I gave him a death glare, and he immediately stopped. Earlier that day I had pissed him off by dumping a full can of Coke on his head (He had thrown a cup of Coke at me first, but missed, so I had to trump him!), and I knew he wanted revenge. Little did I know that he would stoop so low as to say, "Grandma, Katie is a vegetarian. She doesn't eat meat."

The entire world darkened around me, then turned bright red with my fury. I was horrified. He saw my horror and then ran from the kitchen just as his grandmother screeched, "WHHHAAAAAAT?!??"

That leads us to #1: "THAT JUST ISN'T NATURAL, YOUNG LADY. YOUR 'VEGETARIANISM' IS OUT OF CONTROL AND AGAINST GOD'S WISHES. NOW EAT THIS CHICKEN OR YOU'LL BURN IN HELL."

My cousin's grandma started lecturing me about how it was against God's will to be a vegetarian, and that we are on the top of the food chain for a reason. I guess it was a bad idea to tell her that I'm an Atheist because she started yelling at me for that, too. She also told me that she thinks I'm too skinny and that vegetarianism is the gateway to anorexia. This lecture lasted almost a half an hour and ended with my grandma dragging me away from my cousin's grandma.

What I wanted to say during the lecture: "Shut up! You can't tell me what I can and can't eat! Now let me out of this kitchen before I break your hip!"
In reality, I didn't say anything or lose my temper. I sat quietly and civilly at the table and let her lecture me because I know that I am better than that. However, when my grandma walked into that argument and pulled me away, I started shaking and crying from anger. My grandma told me that she was fine with my decision and that she loves me and supports me no matter what. She then told me that I'm beautiful and since then she has always made vegetarian food for me whenever we have a family get-together. My cousin's grandma has never mentioned the incident again, and acts like it never happened. However, once in a while, while I'm eating my salad, I can feel her disapproving eyes boring into my back and I kick the shit out of Matt's shins under the table.

I AM the Girl From "The Ring"

I've been really bad with my blogging schedule. Well, I'm busy. So boo-hoo. I have a life. And I live in a residential college for science geeks, so my workload is stressful as hell. On top of it, I got about 2 and 1/2 hours of sleep last night because I went to bed at 2:30am and woke up at 5 for work. In other words, I've been awake for about 19 hours so far without dying. And I'm possibly pulling and all-nighter if I can't get my homework done before 3am. If my post today makes absolutely no sense grammatically or otherwise, don't blame me. Blame the asshole that scheduled me to work early mornings the day after Thirsty Thursday when I wake up to the sound of everyone else in my hall stumbling into their rooms between 3 and 4am.

I decided that I wanted to make this a video blog, but between the insomnia not letting me get to sleep before 2:30am and having a restless few hours of sleep, I have determined that this would be a bad idea. I'm also still kind of sick and I don't have my voice back. At the moment, I am pretty much the same person as the girl from "The Ring" and I didn't want to scare any young children. Check out this comparison:

Girl from "The Ring"

My glorious mug

If I dampen my hair slightly we look like we were separated at birth. Only I don't look quite as bitchy. Don't let that fool you. I'm at least twice as bitchy as her.




Don't ever look up pictures of the girl from "The Ring" on Google images if you are terrified of horror movies. I get scared really easily and I think I'm going to have some nightmares after seeing some of those pictures.Yeah yeah I'm a total wimp and the scariest movie that I like is "The Shining." I will be tweeting about my horrible fear of zombie people as Halloween draws near. Oh and I will probably watch "The Shining" about 10 times in the next month. This is probably my favorite youtube video ever, by the way. Watch it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfout_rgPSA

Point is, I wanted this to be a quick post, but it turns out I've been working on this for quite a while. I think it's because I don't want to get back to my chemistry homework. Please don't make me go back to it.... Waaahhhhhhh :[ If I end up staying up all night, I'll post a pic of how much I'll look like a hot mess after my 6-hour work shift. Stay tuned, folks!