I just want to talk for a moment about excuses and lying. I am the most amazing liar in the entire world in most situations. I can get anyone to believe just about anything, as long as it is at least somewhat plausible. I think that might be a sign that I might be a sociopath, but I do feel guilty for stuff besides lies I've told. I know lying is wrong, and I feel bad about certain things that have happened in my life, and I know that lying in some situations is absolutely terrible. I have always tried to avoid lying in very serious situations because I know it's wrong. So I know I don't really have problems.... Or do I?
No, I don't. Anyway, now that I'm done conversing with myself, I've decided to talk about the most ridiculous lies that I've ever told anyone. Oh, and those people actually believed me.
The Background Story: This is probably one of the most believable lies I've told. First of all, you should know by now that I don't drink or do drugs. At all. I only have one alcoholic beverage on New Year's Eve every year, and it's champagne. Not the expensive stuff, but the cheap stuff that you can buy for like $10 at CVS. I hate champagne anyway. I always take one sip at midnight, and then I dump my glass down the sink. I tried making it into a mimosa this year, but it was absolutely disgusting. I don't understand why people drink anyway. I've tried beer, but it just tastes like piss to me. I don't ever want to try any sort of liquor you would drink from a shot glass ever because when I was little and I refused to take Nyquil, my mom would get a shot of whiskey and torture herself with the taste so that I would take my medicine. She hates that sort of stuff, too, but she will drink beer or wine. The look on her face whenever she would do this still tortures me to this day, and I never want to taste anything that seems like it would be about as delicious as cough syrup. However, if I tell people that I don't drink because I don't want to, they will think that I'm boring and anti-social. (I'm anti-social, but I'm anything but boring!) The truth is, I don't need to drink to have fun. I act like I'm drunk or high when I am completely sober, and I'm proud of my insanity.
The lie: "Oh, no thanks. I'm allergic to alcohol." People believe me and don't realize that I'm boring! Only my close friends and my roommate know that I choose not to drink because I don't want to look like an idiot or ruin my chances of getting into vet school. It's actually really sad that I have to tell this lie, but if I didn't, I would seem like a loser. This will also be a perfect excuse when I attempt to join the fraternity that I plan on joining this semester.
The Background Story: Ok. This is one of the most ridiculous lies that I've ever told, and it is also the most pointless lie I've ever told. However, someone actually believed me. I obviously have Irish and English blood in me. Come on! I am about as pale as a drowning victim, I love Monty Python, I sometimes spell -or words with a u, and I drink disturbing amounts of tea. I like tea that (apparently) tastes like sock water, Earl Grey. Nobody likes Earl Grey besides the British! On top of it, I can fake an English accent like perfectly. When I was younger, I went to camp, and the counselors were all either from England, Australia, or New Zealand. From an early age, I was able to tell the subtleties of each accent and fake each one perfectly, and I learned certain phrases that they said. Like, chips are fries, runners are shoes, the lift is an elevator, etc. I can imitate 11 different accents from around the fairly well. (English, Australian, New Zealand, Indian, German, Mexican, Southern US, French, Spanish, Canadian, and Swedish. There are more, but these are my best ones!) I figured I'd just screw with someone's mind and pretend that I'm from London just because I knew that I could pull it off. Also, I had bad teeth when I was little. Talk about bad stereotypes!
The lie: "Yes, I'm originally from London. My parents moved here for my father's job when I was 4, but my accent stuck with me!" A friend of mine actually believed this until I decided that it went far enough, and I started speaking with my usual Michigan accent. Currently, I call all of my professors "professor" in an English accent so I can feel like I'm in a Harry Potter movie.
The Background Story: I hate vegans. Actually, I hate other vegetarians. I have only met 2 vegetarians that I actually like. The rest are all nut jobs. But I hate vegans with a burning passion. Unfortunately, I am on the path of veganism. The truth is, I can't eat eggs unless I decide that I'm going to be a nice person that day. They gross me out really badly. Their texture is just... jiggly and kind of nasty. It isn't a moral issue. There isn't anything immoral about eating eggs. I also don't drink milk because I hate the taste of it. I have always hated milk, though. The idea of cheese kind of grosses me out, but I think it's delicious. Don't get me wrong, though. I will have milk and eggs and butter in things like baked goods or whatever, but I won't have them by themselves. I won't put butter on a bagel and call it a day because I really don't like butter. It is not easy to explain this to people, so I usually have to tell a lie.
The Lie: "I'm lactose intolerant and can't drink milk. I can have cheese and some stuff with dairy products, but not too much or I'll get really bad stomachaches." I tell them the truth about eggs because I know that a lot of people have issues with eggs. However, the whole lactose intolerance thing might be true. I've never had tests done, but I do seem to get stomachaches when I eat dairy products. I guess I'm slowly morphing into a vegan, which is probably the most horrifying thing in the world.
The Background Story: This is kind of a longer story, so be prepared. When I was a freshman in high school, I decided that that would be the last year I would go trick-or-treating. I was 14 at the time, but I could pass for a 12-year old. I've always looked younger than I am, so I knew I wouldn't have any problems, especially because it would be dark out and I would be in costume. Currently, I'm almost 19 and I still look like I could pass for 16 for whatever reason (lack of chest? my height? my weight? No clue.) unless I'm really tired. If I'm tired, I look about 2 or 3 years older than I am. Anyway, I decided that I would probably look tired on Halloween, so I wanted to go for a full body costume. My mom took me to Target for a costume because we are super classy people and buy everything we own at Target. We went into the costume section. I looked beyond the slutty French maid's uniforms and found a chicken suit for $75. I begged my mom for it, and she agreed to pay for half if I paid for the other half. I agreed with that deal, and decided to try it on before purchasing it. I want to clarify something before I continue with this story. I have hearing difficulties sometimes. I have always played a loud musical instrument (excluding the year I played the flute), whether it be the saxophone or the drums. At this point, I had just started playing the drums and I didn't have noise-cancelling headphones yet, so my ears were perpetually ringing. Apparently, my mom had told me that she was going to go get some stuff while I was trying on the chicken suit, but I didn't hear her. I pulled it on and put the hood up and buttoned the buttons. I stuck my arms through the wings and put my feet into the chicken feet. It took about 10 minutes to put on because it was so fluffy, but it was so worth it. I turned around to show my mom how beautiful I looked, but she was gone. I will admit that even now, if I lose my mom in a store, I have a mini panic attack until I find her. I started freaking out and running around the store. Still in the chicken suit. Target was crowded that day. I decided that I didn't want to look like a complete weirdo, so I started pretending that I was just kidding around and doing this on purpose to entertain people. I started sliding around the aisles and moon-walking as families stopped, stared, and laughed. (I can moon-walk like the King himself, and I still do it as a fun trick to impress people. It's the only dance move I can actually execute.) Eventually, I found my mom in the cereal aisle. At that point, a small crowd of people had been following me just to watch, and my mom looked at me and asked me what the hell I was doing.
The lie: "Oh, nothing. I just decided to joke around and entertain some people while I looked for you." Really, I was kind of freaking out a whole lot while this was happening, but I didn't want her to know. Now that I think about it, this lie was one of the least convincing lies I've told ever besides one time that I broke down in tears during English class in my junior year and I tried to tell people that I was fine. That's a different story that I don't want to get into... ever. Anyway, my mom made me take off the chicken suit, and we paid for it and left. I still have the chicken suit, and I wear it every Halloween. It has come in handy for so many things, like an English project that I had to do in my freshman year of high school in the spring. Also, I look like I actually have a mind of my own and decided that I don't care about getting attention from guys with T&A. Instead, I want to be myself and dress in a chicken suit instead of impressing people I don't care about.
Here is an artist's interpretation of that day at Target:
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| Maybe not an artist's interpretation... Ok. I drew it. |
Or will you post next week...
ReplyDeleteI mean that I HOPE to post next week. It all depends on my schedule. I might post later this week or maybe the week after. So far it looks like it'll be this week.
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