It is important to know that when I was a little kid, I was obsessed with the movie, The Wizard of Oz. I wanted to be Dorothy so badly! I made my parents go out and get me the blue and white dress, the white tights, and most importantly, the magical ruby slippers. I was that one weird child who wore her Halloween costume any day of the year. When I say that, I mean that I wore my Dorothy outfit every day. And every night. I used to sleep wearing all of this, ruby slippers included. The ruby slippers eventually got too tight, but I still wore them.
During this time period, I also put off going to bed at all cost. I knew that my parents would yell at me if I didn't get to sleep, so I tried to quietly sneak to the bathroom for a drink of water. However, every room in our house has hardwood flooring that creaked, and I wore my Dorothy shoes that clicked when I walked, so my parents could hear me from downstairs. I would tip-toe past the staircase and my dad's booming voice would startle me, yelling, "KATE! IF I HEAR YOU ONE MORE TIME, I'M COMING UP THERE!" I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but it terrified me every time. I would clip-clop back to my room and try to go to sleep, which was a terrible effort. I slept with the light on because I was afraid of monsters, mostly witches, hiding behind stuff and in the closet. I kept a water bottle by my side at all times because I knew that if you dump water on a witch, she will melt. (I believed everything I was told. I'm not that smart.) For some odd reason, I hated my bed. It is the most comfortable bed in the world. The mattress is not to hard, not too soft, and I have 7 pillows and about a million stuffed animals. Because I hated my bed, I slept on the floor, like the freak of nature that I am.
Also, whenever my dad was away on business trips, I would sleep in my mom's bed with her. She soon discovered the hard way that I am a very violent sleeper. Apparently, I punch in my sleep. Hard. Hard enough to bruise. (I'm not sure if I still do that.) I also thrash around like a suffocating fish. (I definitely still do that.)
So my weird sleeping started out with me sleeping in my Dorothy dress and tight ruby slippers on the hardwood floor with the light on. Weird? I think so.
My sleeping patterns have gotten weirder with age. When I was 4 years old, I may have done some weird things, but now that I am almost 19, I think there might be something seriously wrong with me.
If my room is not completely pitch black, I can't sleep. If there is any noise besides my fan, I can't sleep. These are understandable. However, things get more and more strange.
Most people sleep on their side, or on their back or stomach with their legs straight or maybe bent at a normal person angle. I don't because I'm a fucking weirdo. See, I have always been abnormally flexible. When I was 12 years old, my doctor could grab my shoulders and touch them together in front of me. I went to physical therapy for a long time for loose joints in my (get ready for the list!): ankles, knees, hips, shoulders, back, and elbows. Now, I can't touch my shoulders together in front of me, but I still can behind my back. Try touching your elbows together behind your back. You probably can't. Don't even try touching your shoulders together. You'll probably pull a muscle or hurt yourself. I also recently discovered that I can stand up and bend all the way backwards with my feet flat on the ground and touch the top of my head to the floor. Don't try that either. You might die. This is probably why I was really good at gymnastics, and I should probably take legitimate yoga classes.
Because of my strange flexibility, I sleep in strange positions. Here are drawings of my favorite ones:
Extreme Fetal: It's like your average fetal position, but my head is between my knees on the pillow. This one is not as comfortable as the previous one because it causes my bottom arm to fall asleep and it looks rather strange at sleepovers and such. Now that I have a roommate, I don't sleep like this ever. Most people can't really do this without removing a rib or two.
Broken Back: This is surprisingly comfortable and feels great on my back. You stretch backwards until your feet are almost touching the back of your head. I personally like my arms straight out or back, but it is also comfortable to go one back and one straight out. Unfortunately, it may cause your hair to smell like feet in the morning because you're playing with you hair with your feet all night, but if you take morning showers, it's not really a problem.
Face-Down Pretzel: I think it is one of the most comfortable sleep positions ever. I'd prefer it to any other one besides knee-face. You lie on your stomach with your head sideways on the pillow and cross your legs like you are sitting Indian-style. Your knees and ankles should be flat on the mattress. Be careful not to pull your groin though. It seems like it would be really easy to do so in this sleep position. In fact, don't even try this. I think it might really hurt someone.
You don't have to tell me that I'm a total freak. I already know it. As I said before, do not try any of these things or you will probably seriously hurt yourself. I figured these sleeping things out by waking up in these positions after falling asleep like a normal person and thrashing around like a dying fish until I am comfortable.
Now that you people all know that I sleep like my bones were removed, I think it's time for an extremely awkward nap.
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