Sorry, people! It's finals week and I'm studying my butt off this weekend.
I would totally post something more interesting or fun or whatever, but that will have to wait until next weekend. Seriously, I will try to write more after the end of the semester, but I have a TON of stuff to do. My computer got a virus this past Friday, and I had to come home to Detroit to have my brother fix it, and I keep getting distracted from my studying even though my hardest final is on Monday.
To anyone out there who has finals, good luck! If you've already had them and you're on break, eat shit and die, you lucky bastard. I'm over here fighting an ulcer and hair loss while you get to sit back, watch Frasier, and eat Funyuns whenever you damn well please, so I kind of hate you.
I will hopefully write when I'm on break next week! See you then!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
The Real First Thanksgiving... But Not Really
First of all, before you read this, I want to warn you that it is possibly the most blasphemous thing ever written. I don't mean to offend you if you:
1) are American
2) are Southern
3) are Christian
4) don't understand sarcasm
Besides, I'm an Atheist and it technically doesn't matter to me.
Second, no, I know the original Thanksgiving story. I'm not an idiot.
Anyway, Thanksgiving is a beautiful holiday. Millions of turkeys are slaughtered and eaten in memory of what happened the last Thursday in November so long ago. Many people believe something about pilgrims and Indians or whatever, but guess what? They're wrong! This is my version of the story of the first Thanksgiving:
One day, Jesus was walking down the road in a city called Buttaiznise (which is now known as Dallas, TX). Suddenly, the ground shook like an earthquake, and Jesus threw himself to the ground to avoid a disastrous fall that would result in him cracking his skull open on a rock. He landed face-up and immediately saw a huge boulder above him, about to crush him. He ninja-rolled and barely avoided being squished. He stood up and brushed the dust from his toga (yes, he wore a toga!) angrily. Jesus looked around and saw a gigantic, 20-foot tall turkey stampeding through town! Jesus decided to call it Imastufyew as he unsheathed his Jesus-sword and sprinted toward it. He leaped in the air with his super-Jesus power legs and sliced that bird's head and right wing off. As Jesus wiped his brow and victory screeched, "TAKE THAT, ASSCLOWN!" the turkey's head flew off the ground and reattached itself to the dead bird's neck, and the wing grew back on the turkey's body. When it stood back up, it let loose a mighty gobble that shook the world as it trampled all of the peasants' crops and homes.
This time, Jesus was pissed. He called out to the panicking peasants, "Hey! Chill, dudes! We need to, like, do something about this! Half of you start a fire, and the other half gather weapons. I have an idea!" The peasants gathered wood from their destroyed homes and built a huge fire. The other ones gathered a bunch of 2 by 4's with rusty nails sticking out of them. Together, they bludgeoned Imastufyew to death and cut him up into a bunch of smaller pieces. As they cooked him and ate him, they noticed that the meat grew back with every piece that was taken. After gorging themselves on the never-ending turkey, the men wanted something sweet for dessert. Jesus thought for a moment, and then shook his booty, restoring all of the destroyed crops, and turning them into various flavors of pie with his Jesus-butt-magic. The American peasants were able to eat as much turkey as they wanted whenever they wanted, and they took advantage of the opportunity. Eventually, the Tryptophan made them all tired and lazy, and all of the food made them fat, creating the American obesity crisis.
The End
1) are American
2) are Southern
3) are Christian
4) don't understand sarcasm
Besides, I'm an Atheist and it technically doesn't matter to me.
Second, no, I know the original Thanksgiving story. I'm not an idiot.
Anyway, Thanksgiving is a beautiful holiday. Millions of turkeys are slaughtered and eaten in memory of what happened the last Thursday in November so long ago. Many people believe something about pilgrims and Indians or whatever, but guess what? They're wrong! This is my version of the story of the first Thanksgiving:
One day, Jesus was walking down the road in a city called Buttaiznise (which is now known as Dallas, TX). Suddenly, the ground shook like an earthquake, and Jesus threw himself to the ground to avoid a disastrous fall that would result in him cracking his skull open on a rock. He landed face-up and immediately saw a huge boulder above him, about to crush him. He ninja-rolled and barely avoided being squished. He stood up and brushed the dust from his toga (yes, he wore a toga!) angrily. Jesus looked around and saw a gigantic, 20-foot tall turkey stampeding through town! Jesus decided to call it Imastufyew as he unsheathed his Jesus-sword and sprinted toward it. He leaped in the air with his super-Jesus power legs and sliced that bird's head and right wing off. As Jesus wiped his brow and victory screeched, "TAKE THAT, ASSCLOWN!" the turkey's head flew off the ground and reattached itself to the dead bird's neck, and the wing grew back on the turkey's body. When it stood back up, it let loose a mighty gobble that shook the world as it trampled all of the peasants' crops and homes.
This time, Jesus was pissed. He called out to the panicking peasants, "Hey! Chill, dudes! We need to, like, do something about this! Half of you start a fire, and the other half gather weapons. I have an idea!" The peasants gathered wood from their destroyed homes and built a huge fire. The other ones gathered a bunch of 2 by 4's with rusty nails sticking out of them. Together, they bludgeoned Imastufyew to death and cut him up into a bunch of smaller pieces. As they cooked him and ate him, they noticed that the meat grew back with every piece that was taken. After gorging themselves on the never-ending turkey, the men wanted something sweet for dessert. Jesus thought for a moment, and then shook his booty, restoring all of the destroyed crops, and turning them into various flavors of pie with his Jesus-butt-magic. The American peasants were able to eat as much turkey as they wanted whenever they wanted, and they took advantage of the opportunity. Eventually, the Tryptophan made them all tired and lazy, and all of the food made them fat, creating the American obesity crisis.
The End
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